That's my opinion, and it's very true.

#22 ©June, 2001 ••••••• Don Harthcock, Editor

OpinionSoup may contain language and topics unsuitable for children.
"The secret source of humor is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven." ~Mark Twain

IN THIS ISSUE:

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The Food and Drug Administration has not evaluated any of the statements made in this publication, nor is that likely ever to happen. This publication is not meant to be used to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Since this publication is not intended to be diagnostic or prescriptive, the authors assume no responsibility for any adverse reactions resulting from the use of any information contained in it.

Personal from Donny

HUMOR

In my life I've known many, many people, and all kinds of them. The least happy ones...that is, the ones who seemed to be enjoying their lives the least...have been the ones who were never funny and who never seemed to appreciate humor.

WAKE UP, now; I'm telling you something that's very important!

Can I teach you how to be funny and how to cultivate a sense of humor? Yes, I can: one, two, three, four! These are Basics, not shortcuts.

STOP CRITICIZING EVERYBODY.

Save your criticism for the day when you understand satire, which is elegant, artful criticism...humorous and uplifting. Sniping is a bringdown, inelegant and denigrating to the sniper, not the snipee. And very boring.

I'm old enough to remember when Saturday Night Live was truly funny...featuring the hippest satire as well as the best of tried-and-true slapstick and schtick. Today, the show is thoroughly puerile, and that's intentional. They are playing to today's young people, who have worked so hard and so long at becoming morons.

STOP LOOKING FOR WHO IS AT FAULT.

Who ever gave you a mandate for placing blame? You are not God; therefore, you probably don't know all the facts.

If you enjoy watching Jerry Springer, we are definitely not on the same page, here. Springer, by the way, is a consummate artist. Like Andy Warhol, he is just putting you on, and laughing all the way to the bank.

In America, the very act of Playing Down to the Lowest Common Denominator has become a special skill in TV programming. Gay activists got Dr. Laura's awful show cancelled, but we love JerREE! JerREE! JerREE!

Don't expect television network executives ever to be "responsible." They would give us shows featuring Farts and Boogers if it sold airtime.

STOP RATIONALIZING YOUR MISTAKES.

Take responsibility for the regrettable events that you helped bring about. We are not perfect; that's why we invented God and deified Jesus - to have Ideals.

Learn how to say "Boy, I really screwed up," if you did.

Americans have learned to be World Class Experts at shifting blame and "putting a spin" on the truth. We idolize people who can do it really well, and we frequently vote them into our highest government positions. You may have noticed that most of these people are lawyers.

Your children are now idolizing the lowest rungs of the ladder; do you realize that? They are imitating brutish thugs and criminals; I see it every day. The thing that amuses them most is violence, which is really nothing new...cartoons have always featured violence.

Today's amusing violence, however, is far down the road from Roadrunner and Elmer Fudd. This is one sign of a declining society, and some of us are standing idly by, doing nothing. We want to be popular with our children, instead of being their parents.

For myself personally, this is not a problem. I am in my last years. But I have a grandson, and I want him to emulate James Madison and Jonas Salk instead of Puff Daddy and Eminem.

STOP COMPLAINING.

Listen to me now: Most people really don't know what complaining IS. Imagining themselves to be "Realists," they snipe and complain habitually and continually. "Hey, I'm Just Stating Facts," they declare, ever so pompously, or "Hey, I'm Just Being Honest."

Donny's definition of Complaining (outside a court of law) is Bitching Without Purpose; it's Negative Thinking, and it brings everybody down, including yourself.

The exception to this is Intentional Bitching & Complaining, embraced and ensconced in the canon of Jewish Humor. In this school, Bitching & Complaining has been elevated to an art-form. Moses just could NOT get the Hebrew Children to stop "murmuring" about how much better everything was, back in Egypt, so he finally said, "OK...just make it FUNNY, alright?"

I don't know how they EVER got out of that tiny desert. In a scratched version of Genesis, God said, "Oi! Why didn't I choose the Puerto Ricans?"

Habitual negativity is Sour. It is the antithesis of Humor and is very stressful for your spouse; it makes her/him think that he/she needs to "do something about it." It can make you sick or it can even lead to divorce.

In other words, don't play Eeyore to your mate's Winnie the Pooh. If she says, "What a beautiful day!" don't respond with "Yes, but it's probably going to rain." Why not just eliminate "Yes, but" from your vocabulary, altogether?

If you tell your wife it's so hot today you're about to die, that's complaining; she knows it's hot. If you tell your husband the food in this restaurant is just not as good as it used to be, that's complaining; isn't he eating, also?

My mother used to say that people who complained all the time were Low Class. If you bitched to her, she'd just ask you if you thought you had a gold asshole.

Understand me now, if your friend or Significant Other should mention that Hannibal, though excellent on its own, is nonetheless upsetting because the characters are developed much differently from the way they were drawn in The Silence of the Lambs; or if he or she should declare that rap/hip-hop music, once a legitimate folk-music form, now SUCKS...that would not be complaining. Those are OBSERVATIONS and CRITIQUES, inviting debate, you see? Those two examples are my OPINIONS; therefore, they are both very true.

By the way, Hannibal and The Silence of the Lambs were written by Thomas Harris, a Mississippian.

Try to remember that random events which displease you, "just might be God, trying to get your attention" (Keb Mo', slow down, 1998). Keb Mo', incidentally, is from Mississippi.

"Hmmn," you're thinking, "that's very interesting, Reverend D. But all four of those are DON'Ts, or STOPs. What about DOs and BEGINs?"

After you have mastered One, Two, Three and Four (above), you'll be ready for the only DO. Here it is: LOOK FOR WHAT'S FUNNY ABOUT IT! FIND What's Funny About It, and you're a graduate of the Don Coyote School of Humor. That's it! Now you'll be ready for The New Yorker, or the Op-Ed page; I guarantee it.

By the way, the funniest part of any newspaper is not the comics, or even the front page. It's Letters To The Editor. Who ARE these people, I often wonder, with their intense bullshit? And why do newspapers print it? Perhaps the Editors are Don Coyote School of Humor graduates; the writers most certainly are not. When I was the Entertainment Editor of Alive! magazine, we made up a few of our Letters; I don't think newspapers do that.

Damon Wayans and I have never met, but we have a lot in common - aside from his being young, Black, smart, funny, and rich. Damon says that his kids can get away with a lot of misbehaving, IF IT'S FUNNY.

The deal with me is, if it's not funny, I'm outta there. That includes jobs, people, where I live - everything. If I'm not laughing, I'm leaving. That's why Jonnie and I are planning to move back to Florida; Mississippi is a fine state, but it's just...not funny!

Of all the places I've called Home, South Florida is the area I've enjoyed most, and I know it's because there's such a "rich cultural mix," including a lot of Jews, down there. I love my fellow WASPs, but generally they're too tight-assed. Except my son Brian, whose wit is razor-sharp and, like mine, heavily influenced by Miami and New York Jews. And Dave Barry (is he Jewish?)

Black Floridians have dulled their humor with politics.

Florida Asians are too intellectual and retiring. The least-funny people on earth, Buddhists are just not comical. The funniest Asian jokes are jokes about Asians...here's one: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Two...one to do it, and one NOT to do it.

Haitians in Florida are too quiet and shy to impress us with their humor (they're just so glad to BE here).

Cubans are too manic (it's the espresso and the sugar) and too conservative (there are no Cuban Democrats).

My South American friends in Miami are fairly laid-back and funny, except the Colombians.

But nobody touches the Jews. Call that Prejudice, if you will, but I'm 59 years old, this is MY book, and I don't give a shit what you call it.

To me, the most consistently HUMOROUS people are today's "widely-dispersed" descendants of those ancient Hebrew tribes. They know it, too; they've even analyzed it and come up with a reason. Oppression, they say. Millennia of oppression. And laughing through the tears, like Pagliacci (was Leoncavallo Jewish? Lion Horse - sounds like a Changed Name).

One of the funniest things I've ever heard was said by Jonathan Wolfe Miller.

"I'm not a Jew," he observed.

"I'm JewISH. I don't go the whole hog." (Beyond the Fringe, 1960)

If you know me very well, you know that I also love Will Rogers, who once observed that anything can be funny, as long as it happens to somebody else.

Lenny Bruce said, "All my humor is based on destruction and despair."

Richard Pryor knows that's true, and he's never even BEEN to Israel.

CAUTION: NOT ALL JEWS ARE FUNNY. SOME OF THEM ARE AS DULL AS CHINESE BAPTISTS.

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ASTRAGALUS (Huang-Qi)

- An adaptogen, it helps your body produce and store interferon.

image source unknown

Astragalus membranaceus root has been used in Traditional Chinese Medicine for more than 2,000 years. This member of the Pea Family, native to northeast China, is known at home as Huang-Qi (Yellow Leader). One Astragalus variety that grows in the USA is known as Milk Vetch. "Loco Weed," toxic to livestock, is an American Astragalus.

Astragalus has recently become popular in the West because of its polysaccharide content. IT IS KNOWN TO HELP STIMULATE THE IMMUNE SYSTEM and promote healing (even in patients with advanced cancer), both in humans and in their pets. It helps protect your liver, and, like echinacea, it is also a medicine for colds. See Echinacea.

Astragalus is used in China to improve digestion, to strengthen the respiratory system, and to support the spleen; it is also given to cancer patients undergoing radiation therapy. In the West it has been used as a digestive tonic, to enhance the immune system, for chronic fatigue and the common cold. In combination with other medicines it has also been used to treat AIDS and cancer.

A slightly-antibiotic adaptogen, Astragalus is an antioxidant, containing selenium. It also contains betaine, choline, essential fatty oils, flavonoids, glycosides, saponins and Vitamin A. See Adaptogens. See Selenium.

Astragalus helps your body produce and store interferon, which is like an internal scout, sounding the alarm when your body is under attack. Increasing your endurance level, Astragalus tonic is also food for the adrenals.

Basis of standardization for this herb is Hydroxy-3-Methoxyisoflavone-7 Glucosides. Astragalus is especially helpful during the winter months, along with echinacea and goldenseal. See Goldenseal.

Astragalus is listed in the Japanese Pharmacopoeia. It can be purchased fresh or dried; in capsules, drops, extracts and tinctures. Jonnie and I take it every day.

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BLACK PEPPER (HU JIAO)

- a MUST on a tomato-and-onion sandwich

This native of India and the East Indies is the world's most popular spice. Piper nigrum, a vining shrub related to Cubeb and Kava, can grow to twenty feet or more. It is still one of the most important export items of India, the world's foremost producer, and it is also cultivated in Brazil, Indonesia and Malaysia. Commercial American Black Pepper comes from Brazil, but Indian is less hot and more flavorful.

Ancient Greeks and Romans used both White and Black Pepper for cooking (they are the same, but White Pepper is made from HUSKED peppercorns; therefore, milder).

A very valuable commodity in the early 5th Century CE, 3,000 pounds of Peppercorns was demanded by the Celts for the ransom of Rome. In 1179, the Guild of Pepperers was founded in London. Marco Polo wrote of the great quantities of Pepper used in China.

Black Pepper is the small, dark, unripe fruit of climbing P. nigrum, used whole or ground as a pungent spice. It is a good source of Chromium.

Medicinally, Black Pepper cures the inability to sneeze. Rich in piperine and piperidine, it is used in Asia as a tonic for all gastric problems and also has been used for food poisoning and sinusitis.

As the use of this spice spread to Europe, it became famed as a digestive aid and carminative.

Black Pepper is anti-inflammatory, a hepatic, a vermifuge and a cardiostimulant. In Western Herbal Medicine, it is said to enhance renal function (it's good for your kidneys). Antibacterial Black Pepper also can be used as a food preservative, as well as treating and preventing colds. The usual recommended dosage is 1/8 tsp taken with honey.

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BRUSSELS SPROUTS

- my favorite vegetable...and anti-cancer medicine

Brassica oleracea gemmifera, a vegetable of the Mustard Family, is another good cancer-fighter (especially colon and stomach cancer), along with its cousin broccoli and the most famous of this genus, cabbage.

Brussels Sprouts did, in fact, originate in Brussels. Just Plain Brussels, without the Sprouts, originated in BELGIUM. Belgium is part of an imaginary place called Europe (just north of Africa). An Interesting Fact about Belgium is that they speak two major languages there (Dutch and French), and hardly anyone bitches about it...unlike here in the United States, where speaking a second language is considered by certain Dogpatch politicians to be vaguely un-American.

In German, yet another foreign language (except in Germany and parts of Pennsylvania), Brussels Sprouts are called Rosenkohl (Rose Cabbage), and at our house they are lovingly called Baby Cabbages. By the way, I once had a Pomeranian who only understood Spanish. He wouldn't eat Brussels Sprouts unless they were heavily laced with bacon, and even then, he left quite a few on his plate.

An enormous amount of Brussels Sprouts is grown in or near Brussels, because there's about ten million people there. Most American commercial Brussels Sprouts are grown in California, and similarly to Collards, the taste is better in those grown where they can be nipped by frost.

Brussels Sprouts are extremely high in Vitamin C and have more protein than most other vegetables. Low in sodium and fat, as you would expect, they contain moderate amounts of Vitamin A, iron and riboflavin, and somewhat higher amounts of fiber and potassium.

Brussels Sprouts should remain unwashed until you're ready to use them. They will last about a week in your refrigerator. I prefer them steamed, seasoned with butter, a little salt, and the tiniest bit of lemon pepper.

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CHROMIUM

- a lustrous, hard, steel-gray metallic Trace Element

Do not confuse this element with Chrome Grille, a lustrous, hard, steel-gray metallic component of the front of my Dodge truck, before I hit the deer on Highway 3 going from Yazoo City to Vicksburg.

Chromium as a vital mineral for your body, is a regulator in sugar and carbohydrate hydrolysis (talking about digestion and dispersion). It is necessary for producing "good" cholesterol and regulating blood sugar.

Chromium is involved in insulin production and protein synthesis, and Chromium deficiency (very common in the U.S. and Canada) can give you hypoglycemia and diabetes-like symptoms. Chromium is believed to lower "bad" cholesterol and has been used to treat hypertension and heart disease.

Chromium is found in beer, brewer's yeast, cheese, nuts, organ meats and whole grains.

How can Chromium deficiency be common in the U.S. and Canada if it's in beer? And nuts? I know people who LIVE on beer and nuts. Those particular people ARE deficient in a couple of other things, however.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture believes that in processes of regulating cholesterol and insulin, Chromium is an Adaptogen. See Adaptogens.

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GENISTEIN

- alleviates PMS and menopausal "symptoms"

Soy is one of the richest sources of phytoestrogens and the only source of the most studied isoflavone, Genistein.

Soy has been researched extensively. Its isoflavones help regulate hormonal balance and affect bone mass positively. See Soy.

Genistein, which alleviates PMS and menopausal "symptoms," possesses potent antioxidant and cholesterol-lowering properties. Soy foods are eaten daily in Asia, where rates of breast and prostate cancer are much lower than in America.

CAUTION: IF YOU ARE PREGNANT OR NURSING, CONSULT A HEALTH-CARE PROFESSIONAL BEFORE SUPPLEMENTING WITH GENISTEIN. If he or she says "What's that?", definitely go somewhere else.

NOTE: Donny has put quotation marks on the word "symptoms," above, because this word is ordinarily used in connection with disease. Menopause is not a disease. Normal, natural and inevitable, it's just the flip side of puberty. For women only, it is the ticket to a new plane of existence. Doctors, however (especially male doctors), have trained us to believe that menopause is a "condition" with "symptoms" that must be treated with medication. Don't fall for it. In all the world, only American women believe this bullshit.

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MAITAKE MUSHROOM (Hen-of-the-Woods)

- lowers blood pressure and raises insulin levels

image courtesy green-produce.com

Grifola frondosa is a very potent booster for your immune system. It may also lower your blood pressure and keep you from getting cancer.

You can find extracts of Maitake (pronounced my-tokkie) at your health-food store, and I was astonished the other day to find dried Maitake and Reishi at the local Jitney Jungle (people were holding up the packages with thumb and forefinger, saying "WHAT IS THIS?"

Maitake Mushrooms contain several potent polysaccharides which enhance your immune system, including beta-D-glucans. Maitake is known to treat sinusitis, chronic tonsillitis, chronic urinary tract infection, as well as bacterial and viral infections. Maitake extract lowers blood pressure and raises insulin levels.

Research continues on Maitake for lowering blood pressure, preventing cancer and diabetes, treating HIV and AIDS, boosting the immune system, and for weight loss.

Not just medicine, Maitake Mushrooms are also delicious!

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ORANGE

- Why did all the good stuff originate in Asia?

An evergreen tree native to Southeast Asia, the Orange is widely cultivated in warm regions for its wonderfully tasty fruit and fruit juice (very high in Vitamin C while it's on the tree), especially Citrus sinensis, the Sweet Orange. Oranges originated in Southern China and Burma (some say Malaysia), then were introduced to India, the Middle East, Europe and finally to the New World.

Remember that Orange Juice is concentrated food; try eating whole Oranges at least as often as you juice them.

Researchers have stated that Vitamin C probably interacts with other constituents of Oranges in ways that are still not well-understood, processes which make this delicious food valuable in fighting cancer, cholesterol, arterial plaque and some viruses.

A brew of Orange Leaves is a mild and effective sedative tea...also a digestive aid.

Orange Peel is used in baking and in fruit preserves. In herbal shampoos, Orange Peel is recommended for dry hair. If you have cats, Citrus Peels (and baking soda) are recommended for your cats' litter box.

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SOY (Soya, Edamame, Japan Bean, Stock Pea)

- Soy Milk Smoothies are Out of This World!

images courtesy of Purdue and Washington State Universities

The King of Beans (peas, actually), Glycine max is grown in great abundance right here in my home state of Mississippi (also in Arkansas, Louisiana, Texas and many other places), although this annual legume is actually native to Asia. You might say that Soy Beans have been the Meat of Asia, for centuries. Both the amount and the quality of protein in Soybeans are very high.

By far the majority of the world's Soybean crop is grown in the United States, with Brazil and China in distant second and third places. This has not always been so, of course, as the plant was introduced to North America, South America and Europe, from China. In the beginning of Soybean production in the U.S., the crop's main use was for livestock feed. Today the main product is Soybean Oil, with the residue from this process still being an important source of animal feed.

With over a gazillion commercial uses, the Soybean is the most important product of the South, although cotton farmers and others will say otherwise (they don't make as much money on Soybeans because of government interference as agricultural price controllers, because of foreign tariffs, because of subsidies to farmers, and DON'T GET ME STARTED!). In addition to its food value, Soybean Oil also has multiple nonfood uses in such diverse products as caulking compounds, crayons, electrical insulation, hydraulic fluids and paint.

A superfood high in Isoflavones, SOY FIGHTS CANCER, HEART DISEASE, HIGH CHOLESTEROL AND OSTEOPOROSIS. Isoflavones are water-soluble compounds that are particularly abundant in Soy, but which occur only in trace amounts in other plants. Soy lessens menopausal "symptoms" and protects against colon cancer, breast cancer, prostate cancer, endometrial cancer and stroke. Soy lowers LDL, or "bad" cholesterol, and also contains Cox-2 Inhibitors, which prohibit the growth of tumors.

Soy is not medicine. The effects of Soy in the diet are cumulative, and you need to start yourself and your family on it as soon in life as possible. A study of 120 Asian women conducted by scientists at the Cancer Research Center of Hawaii and Vanderbilt University in Nashville TN, offers more evidence that a long-term diet rich in Soy can be linked to a reduced risk of breast cancer - as much as 50%.

Both the American Heart Association and (believe it or don't) the FDA recommend adding Soy foods to the American diet. The FDA has even allowed producers to make "health claims" for Soy, which is a very rare occurrence. According to the FDA, "Consuming 25 grams of Soy protein per day (four servings of 6.25 grams each) may lower LDL cholesterol levels and reduce the risk for coronary heart and cardiovascular diseases." What I am trying to hammer home for you, is the fact that the many benefits of Soy are absolutely undeniable.

"The FDA's approval of a health claim for Soy protein was just the first step in getting the message to American consumers on the health benefits of adding Soy products to the diet," said Don Latham, chairman of the United Soybean Board.

"The endorsement from the American Heart Association is strong testimony to the effectiveness of Soy in lowering cholesterol and decreasing the risk of heart disease," Latham continued.

All vegetarians know the value of Soy products, which, containing all the amino acids, are the ideal replacement for meats. Besides valuable Isoflavones, Soy contains B Vitamins, Calcium, EFAs, Fiber, Iron, Lecithin, Potassium and Zinc.

Soy is rich in Essential Fatty Acids (EFAs), specifically Omega-3s, providing not only protection to your heart but also a lower risk for inflammatory and autoimmune disease. Soybean Oil is much higher in Omega-3s than canola (a made-up name) and peanut oil, both of which Donny recommends that you never use. Soybean Oil even has more Omega-3s than Olive Oil, which is otherwise wonderful. Soybean Oil is rich in essential linolenic acid, which some folks think is available only from cold-water fish.

You can "sneak" Soy products into your family's diet, as you educate them about it. It can be ingested in many forms; Soy products are available as burgers, butter, cheese, cookies, crackers, flour, frozen desserts, hot dogs, miso, tempeh, tofu, Soy coffee, Soy milk and Soy yogurt.

By the way, it is a well-known fact (at my house) that Donny makes the best fried rice and stir-fry dishes in the known universe. I could not hold this title without the assistance of my Soy Sauce.

Soy foods such as miso, tofu and Soy milk are eaten daily in Asia, where there is significantly less breast and prostate cancer than in the United States. Soy milk smoothies are Out Of This World. See Genistein.

Visit the U.S. Soyfood Directory website <http://www.soyfoods.com>, or the United Soybean Board's website <http://www.talksoy.com>. Also, a commercial Soy food company, Novasoy, is on the web at <http://www.novasoy.com>.

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VEGETARIANISM (SEMI)

- "A vegetarian diet gives you more energy." ~Paul McCartney

visit diamondorganics.com

A semi-vegetarian diet is the healthiest; there's just no getting around it. I used to be a Buddhist/Hindu vegetarian dilettante. Then I took a turn as a Catholic Omnivore. Now, I am an Uncommitted Semi-Vegetarian, which is best.

A steady diet of

(1) dairy products (not if you have Prostate problems),

(2) fruit,

(3) good deeds,

(4) grains,

(5) legumes,

(6) vegetables, and occasional moderate servings of

(7) low-fat beef,

(8) fish, or

(9) skinless poultry

will provide you many potential increased-health benefits. Among these are: lower risk of cancer, diabetes and heart disease; lower cholesterol and blood pressure; proper weight; peace of mind; and fewer digestive complaints.

OpinionSoup is published by Don Harthcock. OS#22 ©June, 2001, Don Harthcock & Brian McLeod. Reproduction of any part of this copyrighted publication for commercial purposes is prohibited. Taping to refrigerators, posting on bulletin boards & emailing to friends is cool.

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